If you still don’t own a Rolex and you’re over 50, you can still make up for it online by creating a “bling-bling” showcase website for your company. This choice will undoubtedly and cheaply earn the admiration of your loved ones and the recognition of your peers.
Here are a few simple tips to dazzle your competitors and… finally be a web winner.
1. Stuff your site with useless animations
A bling-bling site’s Flash animation is a bit like the roux in a béchamel: without this basic ingredient, the sauce won’t come together. A flashing logo, a “click here” arrow moving from left to right, or even a deluge of scrolling slogans are all opportunities to remind the visitor that you’ve put a lot of money into your site.
You will also maximize your return on investment by using all the features of the outrageously expensive software your provider is indirectly charging you for.
2. Don’t put in too much text
Nobody reads anymore these days. Don’t risk giving your readers a headache by writing texts longer than two sentences. There’s also no need to use subjects, verbs, and objects. After all, your expertise needs no more than 10 words to be perfectly summed up; you just need to be concise.
Instead, put hundreds of words in the site’s meta keywords tag; apparently that’s good for SEO.
3. Choose a bold layout
Use colors that will leave a lasting (for life?) impression on your readers, such as red text on an apple-green background. Ban black and white from your site; it’s far too ordinary and readable.
Change the formatting on every page to surprise the visitor! The time they spend looking for their bearings is time spent on your site.
4. Add music
Force users to listen to impactful, dynamic background music that reflects your image. That way you’ll kill two birds with one stone: you’ll impress them with your technical skills and musical taste, and you’ll attract the attention of your visitors’ office colleagues.
5. Boast instead of selling
Are you a 4-person small business operating locally? Don’t be afraid to claim that you are the global leader in your sector. On the one hand, you’re always the leader of something, and on the other, your site doesn’t include any legal notices, so nobody will be able to check.
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| Example of a successful website banner: it combines animation, cliché, and bragging (we spared you the animation) |
6. Use clichés
To reassure your future clients, don’t hesitate to include a photo of a handshake between two men in ties. That way, even if your clients are plumbers, they will immediately understand that with you, it’s serious business.
Afraid of shocking people with your originality? Think of the young dynamic executive giving a thumbs-up (he’s a winner too).
7. Give the user no respite
If you’re running out of animations or stereotypical photos, try opening a popup window inviting the user to contact a curvy young Russian woman. A profitable tip: after 25 years, your site will be fully paid off thanks to the advertising revenue generated this way!
8. Know how to surround yourself with the best providers
Base your choice on objective criteria: how good are they at Flash, how many other bling-bling sites have they built, do they wear a Rolex?
Know how to spot the lazy ones: under the pretext of efficiency and usability, they will immediately be reluctant to create animations on every page just to save themselves work (fortunately, this type of behavior is extremely rare).
Finally, to validate how relevant your site is, don’t hesitate to ask your 9-year-old daughter for her opinion. Children often tell the truth. Besides, these days, kids really know the Internet.
